my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
just gave him road head on the way home IN A SNOW STORM..good thing we didn't crash or I'd be dead. I DIDN'T HAVE MY SEATBELT ON
clearly you have your priorities straight
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
im calling her cock vulture from now on
Heed the warning of the ghost of Oktoberfest present: German beer is soooooooo much better than our watered down children's piss. also lost all my clothes and am wearing lederhosen the rest of the trip.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
ELLEHCIM
NYRMAK
DRAHCIR
WHAT??
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
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