what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
Randomize
