When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
Totally passed out on the dealers bed after paying him all in ones so no, i dont think i'll be getting a discount soon.
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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