im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
The guy in 209 is masturbating with the door cracked again
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
Randomize