you need to leave class get on facebook and start untagging IMMEDIATELY
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
True strength comes from lack of pants
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
She was crying and pulled the collar of her shirt up to blot the tears. And then she just kept her head there. And stopped crying. "My boobs are just too amazing for me to cry." her words not mine please help she's still in that position
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
