We're pre-gaming then going to chuck e cheese's.
If you're joking I'm going to be sad
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
Randomize
