I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
Did I show you my penis last night?
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
Randomize
