Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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