I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
Randomize
