Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
Randomize
