I think i can make this amish girl legitimately hot.
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
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