I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
