Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
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