it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Randomize
