I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
Sorry I twat blocked you earlier I didn't know Sam was over. But, my house my rules, I don't have to knock before I enter. I did see naked butts and smelt "Sex Stank" in the air, we're going to have to set some ground rules when I get home. Hugs and kisses..Mom
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