It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
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