Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
Randomize
