I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
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