i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
Hey mike is locked out, sleeping on the common room couch, no idea where his pants are nor does he know where he is. When you get this let him in? And let me know ur alive too!
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