My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
dude it was like an art museum there were boobs everywhere
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
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