can we please move this conversation out of my vagina?
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
I can't decide which is the most disgusting: emily having sex on the stairwell of a frat, michelle shaving her vagina with a razor she found in a frat bathroom, or me getting fingered on the dance floor by some rando. opinions?
Randomize
