Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
Its so akward after he cums on my face. like usually the porn just ends
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
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