The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
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