ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
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