If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
As long as they suck a good dick I don't care what fruit they have and where they have it
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
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