Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
Randomize
