The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
In the library. Still drunk. Shoes missnig. Term paper due in fiften minutes. Iff I puke u think theyll throw me out?
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
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