i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
Please note that in response to your post about your dog's jaws clamped hard around a stick, I did not comment, "Takes after his dad." You're welcome.
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
Randomize
