Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
I need to sleep with 3 more guys by midnight to meet my 2010 resolution..
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
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