My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
Randomize
