I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
I'm back here naked if anyones wondering
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
"YOU ALWAYS BEEN A HOE YOU ALWAYS GONE BE A HOE. THAT'S JUST THE WAY IT'S GONE BE." overheard at temple
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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