The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
He's so twisted that he's acting out Dragon Ball-Z by himself. The Tanquray and THC combo doesn't play around.
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
Randomize
