she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
