Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
Randomize
