I am not having having sex with guys at the moment.
I can pretend to be a girl if you want. I have a tongue.
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
it will be a surprise...all I can say is stripper clown.
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
