I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
I have a very awkward question for you. Could you possibly take my black dildo. My mom wants to clean my room.
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
Is it bad I use my AA meeting to hookup with guys?
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
Give me the sexing that I truly desire and I will reveal to you the mysterious location of the PBR's
Randomize
