im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
This is my gift to your gina
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
Randomize
