What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
Randomize
