I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
Randomize