I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
I lost the back to your old name tag last night in a girls shirt. It got me a view of some titties though, I guess in some way you're still doing your brotherly deeds
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
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