Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
currently buying a pregnancy test while braless so happy november to you too
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
So apparently I’m into choking now
Randomize
