So I just had this crazy idea, and no it has nothing to do with the fact that they made me take shots at work.
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
