She was lying the whole time!
She was a great actress
I was a great dumbass
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
stop calling my apartment porn island.
I need to stop researching the drugs I do on Wikipedia. The parts about abuse and dependency hit too close to home
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
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