I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
Just streaked campus for a bottle of patron...maybe you're right...I might have a drinking problem...
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
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