awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
Randomize
