I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
Let's get naked and see who's stronger.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
I researched the whole pregnancy breast feeding with piercings. I think you dont have to worry about the trifecta milk spraying thing.
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
Randomize