eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
Randomize
