i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
Randomize
