Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
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