I may or may not have just irish jigged at a bar. And broken out in a sweat from it. Not a good sign for that marathon yo.
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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