WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
I'm not saying he was bad at sex, but I'm pretty sure I anti-climaxed.
I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
Randomize