I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
I have aggressive nipples.
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
Randomize
