I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
Randomize
