this girl looks like the female version of brooke hogan
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
It's rum buckets o'clock
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
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