apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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