I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
The plan is that you eat an edible first, then pressure your dad to do one. You know you are down.
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Randomize
