I don't usually arrange sex via text message
Awesome. Ask her out.
Nope. She's got a detail of ed hardy security around her.
And he showed us your test. You wrote what is this shit and scribbled on it? Nice 3%..
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
Randomize
