I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
HELP! I am trapped in a douchebag ad... full of Affliction and Ed Hardy. Seriously? is he gonna leave his sunglasses on the entire 10 seconds of this encounter?
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
I have so many feelings about this burrito
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
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