Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Randomize
