just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
Woke up un the hot tuv. Climbed out fo the hot tub and fell asleeo. Woke ip again in the hot tub.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
Randomize
