I could have mohawked her pubes.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
You threw up with such class too! Tiara and all.
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
