if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
Randomize
