How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
im getting my college education on yahoo answers.
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
so he came over for the first time and i completely forgot i had pictures of him printed out from facebook on my wall and a newspaper article with him in it.. you can guess that it lead for an awkward situation.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
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